Ok, so let me introduce you to the most oblivious girl on the planet. That would be me. I am awful in romantic situations that aren’t (immediately) mutual. For example, a guy got a rose from a political party once and then when he saw me he gave it to me. Pretty obvious right? Nope, not for me. Not sure if I’m looking for the innocence in people or if I’m really just that stupid but I’m aiming for the latter.
Anyway, I’m going to tell you about an entirely different situation which actually happened a while ago. Which makes me look and feel like a total jerk sometimes, when I’m not laughing about how dumb I was.
So I was coming home from goodness knows where and was riding in a tram. Minding my own business, listening to my iPod. Suddenly this guy walks by me and looks out of the window looking a bit confused, though really I didn’t care much and I went on with my musicy business.
But then, he turns to me and asks me if the tram will go left or right at the next intersection, I tell him the answer (of course not until after looking at him confused, pulling out my earphones and going ‘excuse me?’ ) and he sits down next to me. See now I didn’t find any of this peculiar but feel free to tell me how dense I am and that this is a normal phase of the human courting regime whenever. Maybe then next time I will be prepared!
What I do whenever someone’s sitting next to me is pull out the earphone closest to them in an attempt to be polite in case they’re the chatty kind of person. Who knew, this guy was one of those! Only the conversation went from ‘So you take this tram often?’ (ok fine, I’m dense, this one was pretty obvious) to ‘I have to say I really like you!!!’ etc etc. Which is nice, only I had no interest in this guy whatsoever, not even an interest in seeing if I
might get interested at some point. He was pretty creepy and far too eager in my opinion. But all is well and I just smile and nod at his compliments thinking I only have two stops left of this nonsense and I would be able to flee home.
But no, he asks me for my phone number. Of course this was met by a blank stare of panic because what now?! How about ‘no’? Well that would be so rude of course since he’d been really trying and all that and I’m not completely heartless. If I’d seen this coming and had more guts I would have cut him off or pretended to have some form of a lover waiting for me at home earlier, but this didn’t happen so so be it.
Then something brilliant pops into my head, one of those things that you of course see on tv constantly. Give him a wrong number! It seemed so brilliant at the time, I give him a wrong number and then I leave the tram and it’s all good, right? Wrong (sidenote: as I’m typing this out I am facepalming myself for my sheer stupidity that day). Of course the thing these days when someone gives you their number is you
call them right then and there so that the other person has your number as well! I wanted so badly to claim I had left my phone at home or something, but that’s pretty damn difficult to do when
your phone is in your damn hands. People, I’d like to think that I’m pretty well educated for my age, but obviously something went wrong here.
So the poor dude calls and gets someone else’s voicemail. I try to chalk it up to the fact that I own a Nokia (though I love the brand so shut up about it) and bring up all the stereotypes around it. He nods and then my stop comes! Hurrah! I get out and assure him that at some point the number will work and get the heck out. Only he follows me out. No seriously, he follows me out. I was ready to cry some epic tears right then and there, but I had to power through this set back. He tries to call again, this time, guess what. The person that the fake number belongs to picks up. You know if I had been gone by now, this wouldn’t even be too bad because the person in question was also a girl! Her genuine confusion would have given me the out I was asking for. But instead of giving up, the guy (who is still following me around even though I’m detouring to my house) gives me his number. Fine then! He finally lets it (or me) go and grabs my hand to lube it up with his nasty saliva before I can pull it away and then tries to give me a goodbye hug/feel up. Which I quickly stopped with a firm but probably weird sounding ‘I don’t really hug.’
As per the popular show 30 Rock
Tracy: And I have no reason to hug her other than my love of having boobs pressed against me.
Lemon: If I hugged you, I would angle it so that you got no boob!
Tracy: And I would anticipate your angling, and I would get there! I would get there.
Moral of this story is, get a bit less dense, put your phone in your purse and nip things in the bud before they turn into this huge embarrassing mess that you can’t get out. And if you don’t at least share it so the rest of the world can mock you.
