Imma Let You Finish

So... I was spending my precious homework hours watching Buffy the Vampire Slayers' Once More With Feeling and something came to me. It's not original and has probably been done before, but it cracked me up and only took me about five minutes to make. So enjoy. :)

What on earth are you people doing?

Yup, yup, I’ve been slacking massively posting here, I’ve been busy, or at least that’s what my excuse is going to be, haha! Started a new period of placement, this time not in a nursing home but in a hospital! I know rightttt fancy business up in here.

But despite my lack of posting, I have been looking, I’m quite obsessed with that cute little feed thing at the side of my blog that keeps track of where y’all readers come from and how the heck you find me.

This is usually pretty informative and/or funny to me except for that one time back in April where about half of England visited my blog at an ungodly hour (for both them an me!) and not just anywhere, on a blog post I made over a year ago, that was just scary… Actually I’m still a little bit afraid of the UK in general now. Anyway, the things that this things says you guys look up to find me are so strange and hilarious sometimes that I highly doubt it’s real. Is this thing just making it all up? I sure as hell hope so. If not, what the heck is up with you people?!

One of the best searched terms I get is
“Zooey Deschanel eyes” which leads to my post about big eyes found here I’m really not too surprised, I’m sure Zooey’s eyes get a bunch of hits, she has big flashy ones after all. Though I know for a fact that my blog is not on page one of this search, or page five, so how many pages are you people flipping through to get to my blog? Same goes for “Emily Watson, Nora-Jane Noone, Zooey Deschanel brown eyes(they’re really not, you guys), Amanda Seyfried big eyes and other variations.

Another one that caught my eye is
“Emily Watson pees” which leads to the same post as the first one. First of all. WHAT? Does Emily Watson have a scene in a movie somewhere where she displays her proper use of a toilet? Why would you even search that? Why? And aside from that, I didn’t even mention peeing in that blog post, why is my blog being linked to that search term?

Also “Crazy eyes woman” this one is getting the same as the first two, I can only imagine how many pages this one gets you and then I don’t even want to think what page my blog would be on. Sheesh…

“Nora Jane Noone looks like Angelina Jolie” uhm, no she doesn’t. That’s actually all I wanted to say about that.

And then
“BULL TERRIER SMILE” - leads to this post nothing weird about that, I used all of those words in that post. But why the hell are you yelling this at me? Why? Are you so excited about the idea of a smiling bull terrier that you have to shout it into google?

“hyperboleandahalf baby penis” Which leads to this. What the hell is wrong with you people? Seriously? People search this? I hope that this is a mistake because this is a disturbing combination on words, I surely hope the author of Hyperbole and a Half doesn't think I'm weird now, haha!

“drawing of man with head up the ass.” WHAT? What? What? First of all, no drawings of heads going up anything in my blog, at least not until I get more skilled at this whole paint thing. ;) It worries me what you people search or what the feed pretends that you’re searching.

“a surprised Pygmy Marmoset” it’s not such a surprise that this came up, I’m sure I used both terms in this blog post, I want to know what kind of pictures show up with this term though because it sounds hilarious!

“johnnynomnom” now this is one I REALLY cannot believe. It leads to this lovely post I made back in Feb of 2010. The term Johnny: Nomnom really does exist in the post, but who searches this? Nobody’s that nuts, right? I can only imagine what a person that would search this would expect to come out of this search.

Everybody, thank you so much for the laughs, I hope that the feed is messing with my head at least a little bit because some of these things are insane.

Fishy Business.

So, let me tell you this, I'm not a fish person, I’m just not. I’m not particularly into owning fish, handling fish or touching fish. I like to eat fish though…Though maybe that’s irrelevant for what I´ll be telling you.

But anyway, the nursing home I had my placement at (and where I now work, thank you, thank you.) has fish. They have this huge aquarium with a bunch of carps. They call them ‘cuddle carps’ because they’re tame (you know, in contrary to those vicious wild carps. ;) ). No they really are ‘cuddly’ as far as a fish goes, if you sit at the edge, they’ll come to you, if you put your finger in the water they’ll… suck your finger or something (I’ve never done this but I have seen it happen). Actually the entire nursing home kind of has a ‘cuddle carp’ theme. Either way, that’s not the point, once again. These fish, I have to say, I worry about them, I really do. The thing is… they seem kind of stupid, well, not ‘they’ more like a handful of them. I have no idea what the average mental ability of the standard sized carp is, but this select group of fish seem to be on the low end of things.

If my observations are correct (I’m not exactly a pro at knowing one fish from the other) there are two big fish and two little tiny baby fish that have an interesting hobby.

They like to stare into lights. I know, maybe it’s a petty thing to talk about, but come on, they stare into lights. They swim to the lamp and put their nose right up to it and just sit there. I have better things to do when I’m there than to watch fish all day but I’m sure it’s something that lasts quite a while.
Why are they staring at the lights?

My friends and I have all come to different conclusions.
1. They’re cold.
2. They’re stupid and are simply stuck in front of the lamp.
3. They think it’s the sun.
4. They think it’s God.
5. They are ninja fish on a secret mission.

I think options #2, #4 and to a lesser extent #5 are most plausible in this situation. Maybe because I don’t have the most encouraging opinion on the brain capacity of fish but so be it, I think they might just be dumb. And I like #4 because it’s funny. Can you imagine the fish thinking it’s ‘seeing the light’? Hilarious. My theory is that if they really do think that, it doesn’t help for us humans to see it and out loud go ‘What the heck is it doing?’ They’re probably hearing it and it only proves their initial ‘God is hiding in this lamp’ thought. If #5 is right we will never know because true ninjas will never reveal their real identities.

Well, make your own conclusions, I sure did. I promised a less dramatic blog post a gazillion years ago so here it is. The reason it took so long is because I couldn’t find the cord of my camera to provide you all with proof.

So here's your proof.




Cuddly Carps!


Ps. In other news, the nursing home now also has chicks in a plastic box. The poultry kind, not the Dixie Chicks, not females, just baby chickens. I sadly do not have pictures of those. They seem marginally more intelligent than the fish.

Reflection

So, working at a nursing home. Did it affect me? Hell yes.

As I come to the end of my placement at a local nursing home I’m starting to think about how things will be after I leave. I’m also trying to reflect on my experiences throughout the weeks.

Well, honestly, I’m still wondering how to put all of my thoughts in order. It’s really not the work that gets to you but the people that you work with and the people that you care for.

I know that in my first week or two I was so in shock by the fact that I could just walk into these people’s homes and after just a short introduction that they were likely to forget by the time I’d see them again, I was allowed to watch as they were cared for.

I’m sure I’m not alone in this to think that while it was all a great learning experience for me, how sad it is for the people that they have gotten to the state that they don’t even seem flustered by the fact that this stranger who they just met five minutes ago is watching them get undressed, washed, fed, and all that goes with the daily care. I can imagine some of these people starting out their lives like me, with the thought of someone other than yourself caring for you being heartbreaking.
Actually a lot of them have told me that they did start out thinking like that. But when you’re unable to do these things for yourself someone needs to. And when you’re in a home, that someone can change every day.

And then the interns, those damn interns who just come in without a proper warning and demand to watch because they do need to learn these things and who knows, in a few years they might be back to care for you all over again. Does that make it any more pleasant? Nope, pretty sure it doesn’t.

I keep thinking about my grandparents and parents and even myself. What if at one point we’d end up in a place like that? As great as some of the people are cared for, I wouldn’t wish it on my biggest enemy.

Oy, settled in for 8 weeks already and it took me this long to get to this point.
I was there weeks ago, really, but very willing to ignore it all, now it’s getting harder to ignore it. Why? Because I’m leaving and unless I come back I won’t have any idea how these people are doing or living their lives. Do they know person A. likes to get dressed sitting on the bed? No. Do they know person B. likes to go for walks when you have the time? No. And you can’t help but wonder how the hell this place will run without you. You know it will; but man, will it go as smoothly? The answer, of course is yes. These people may love you and confide in you but it’s oh so likely that the people that have worked there for YEARS as opposed to WEEKS know these things as well, but you still wonder. Can’t help it, right?
Either way, it was a great experience to have, I do like it there, I love most of the people I got to work with, they have been a great help and great teachers to me and I’ll make sure that every single one of them knows that by the time I have to leave.

So alas, not so much witty, a tiny bit ranty, but all of it is true and it’s a part of me and my experience. It shall shortly be joined by a funny as well. Because we all know that between grabby old men and crazy people that try to smack you, nursing homes can be fucking hilarious on a good day.

Oh wait, here's a tiny funny for the grammar geeks amongst us. I googled to see if 'affect' was indeed the correct word to use here. Please tell me I didn't just make an ass out of myself. If I did, my excuse is that daylight savings has me jet lagged. :)

Can't Touch This.

So I had an epic experience last Thursday at my placement. I was going to have my own line up on Friday (due to lack of staff they thought they'd throw us into the deep end, ha) so my supervisor decided to just observe this time and let me do all of the work. Which, to her, proved to be a lot more exhausting than she thought it would be. Probably because she was pulling her hair out worrying about little things here and there.

Our second or third person was an elderly man who needed a bit of help with washing. I have to mention that this was the first man that I had to fully wash (the only other male I've ever had to wash only needed his back done). So I was a bit antsy to begin with. Yah, touching a stranger’s ZOMGPENIS!!1! can be a pretty awkward situation. But I think that I handled myself pretty well. I didn’t even blush when my supervisor yelled at me: ‘Don’t forget the foreskin!’ from the other end of the bathroom. Ah, good times.
It all went well, I washed, he rinsed; we were comfortable (as comfortable as you can be when there’s one naked person in the room). Apparently random naked male bodies don’t scare me the way I thought it would, this is a good thing, I suppose.



So all was going well until he had to step out of the shower to get dried off. He’s not the best walker so he needs some help getting around, or at least pretends that he does. See where I’m headed with this story? I stand there with the towel, waiting for him to get out and stand on the mat so that I could start drying him off. I see his hand reaching out and grabbing my arm, no biggie right? Right. I’m not a big fan of strangers touching me in general but this is something I have to shrug off while working here. People are going to hold onto you, period.

I think I should mention that there are four people in total in this room right now. Me, the elderly man, my supervisor and the elderly man’s wife, who shall now be referred to as ‘elderly woman’ I know, I’m so creative.

So anyway, he holds onto me and together we walk over to the mat so that he can stand without slipping. I let go of him (meaning: peel his hand off my arm finger by finger) at this moment my supervisor has a slightly amused look on her face and I’m starting to wonder what kind of bear trap she got me to step in.
I start to try his back and he reached out for a bit of the large towel I was using for his back. Or so I thought! (Cue dramatic music)

When I looked at the direction his hand was going, I noticed that it was going less in the direction of the towel and more in the direction of my lady bits. Excuse you? Yes, that is what I said. The best thing about this all is that the surprise made it all happen in slow motion. So I subtly put the towel in his hand, which he not so subtly ignored, never stopping his journey towards the fanny (I’m totally going to try to sneak in as many different kinds of slang for vagina as I can without sounding vulgar). Since this didn’t work I took his hand and pretended to be very interested in drying off his armpit and it seemed like he briefly forgot that he wanted to grab the Sand Patch South of Nantucket. Phew.
But, alas, this didn’t take long. As soon as I let go, there went the journey towards the Vajayjay once again. Seriously? Does he not understand by now that the vulva space is very much private? This aint the vagina monologues! Goodness gracious.



Ah well, I managed to dodge his attempts even though he still managed to grab my arm again, but that wasn’t all too bad.
But then, oh but then.
I had to rapport what I had done in the big book of care whatever whatever and I totally forgot what I was supposed to be looking out for. And then, BAM, he totally grabbed me and would.not.let.go. Holy shit I panicked, I hate to say it but I did. Because GAHcreepyoldmantouchingme.

I peeled him off me and RAN.

Where was my supervisor during all of this, you wonder? Well let me tell you. She was in the corner LAUGHING HER ASS OFF. Some help she was, right? At least 'Elderly Woman' helped me out by yelling 'WOULD YOU LET THE POOR GIRL GO SHE DOES NOT LIKE TO BE TOUCHED BY YOU' during the entire process.

World Peace or Whirled Peas?

So I went through a few of my old things and came across an essay I wrote for my English class when I was about 15 years old I think. Oh my goodness, oh the hilarity. I know that you’re supposed to think that if you read things of yourself from years back (and I probably will laugh my butt off at my blog in five years) but HA. At least all of my words were spelled correct and my grammar wasn’t even as horrible as I would have thought. So here I have a darling little essay that I had to write within 45 minutes or so (I think) for English class. And I did it about world peace (or whirled peas, whatever floats your boat). Yes. Yes I wrote about world peace. I apparently was a pageant queen at 15 years old. Either that or I just watched a stupid movie about a) pageants, b) world peace or c) something with a super high moral message (think Crash, great movie but it makes your brain implode) because I was rocking the “I’m so grown” talk there.
Well here it is; my little piece of art. I added some lovely sarcastic comments (bolded so you can tell my sarcastic comments from my trying to save the world) because I couldn’t NOT mock myself(just a few though, small essay after all). Hello, mocking your former self is the sole reason that... well some people do some things, I don’t know, don’t ask me.

Ah world peace [*Snort*]. We hear it all the time on tv, big hopes and dreams for the future. Yet we also hear that it is impossible. Is it really? Some think that if we, as a world, work together, we can make world peace a reality [Oh man, I feel like Sandra Bullock during the question round.].
There are a lot of different reasons that people will go to war but there’s a solution for every single one of them. One of the most important one is communication. Lots of arguments start over a communication problem. What can solve this is better education, better equipment for the lesser fortunate countries. Another thing that is a big problem is food, lack of it often leads to riots.
If we educate people about growing their own food and help them by paying fair prices for products, they wouldn’t have to suffer. [Right Sherlock, nobody knew that yet.]
If we want a peaceful planet we have to work together to make that happen. We have to stop thinking solely about ourselves and start thinking and caring about others.
This isn’t just the government of the United Nations[This is a very random combination of organisations] that have to work to make this happen. The mentality of every single person on this planet has got to change. We need to stop arguing about petty things and start thinking about the bigger picture. It does pay off to be kind or to be ‘the bigger person’. One act of kindness can mean a lot, especially in a troublesome situation.
If we can’t all learn to play nice, there will always be some sort of trouble lurking around the corner. If it is trouble involving entire countries or a neighbourhood battle, it won’t help ‘the bigger picture’. If we can’t come to an agreement about this, we will forever see the pictures in the paper of people that have died in a war somewhere, military people, civilians and even children [What?]. We need to look at ourselves and ask if we really want that.

All the laughing aside, come on, how cute was I? Seriously now, this is adorable.

Being Butthurt

Ok so before you all go crazy thinking ‘oh my word, she’s touching the sensitive subject of coitus of the butt!’ no, I am not talking about any pain in your rear that may occur after that type of sexual practice. So be relieved, or not, whatever floats your boat.

What I am talking about is being upset about something asinine (see what I did there?) and then getting extremely pissy at whoever created the epic upset. I also like the way that the Urban Dictionary put it

An inappropriately strong negative emotional response from a perceived personal insult. Characterized by strong feelings of shame. Frequently associated with a cessation of communication and overt hostility towards the "aggressor."

I’ve encountered three forms of butthurt so far.
The Vocal Type: they will hound you and let you know that they are mad at you for whatever dumb reason. In my opinion, the best kind.

The Silent Type they will not tell you that they’re mad in any other way than the fact that they are not talking to you. You now have no idea why this person is mad and why they are being so hostile. If the person does it right they’re able to be subtle enough to be able to deny any signs of butthurt when you ask about it. This form annoys most people the most.

And then we have the type that I like to call The Dumbass Type. I like to call it this simply for the pun.
These types stay butthurt for the longest period of time. They will not tell you in any way that they are in fact experiencing rectal unpleasantness but they will tell everybody else, whether they want to hear about it or not. If they do it right (which they rarely do) you will not hear about this and blissfully unaware or the butthurt you’ve caused. But usually things will get back to you, sometimes because they’re dumb and sometimes because you have mutual friends that mock the butthurt and are nice enough to inform you.

What I have to say about all of this is, really? Really? Unless you’re below the age of 14 you should not be doing this, yo. It is very unattractive. Grow up, put on your big girl panties (with soft fluffy padding if the pain is so unbearable) and get on with your life because nobody cares.

If you really truly feel slighted I suggest that you fill out this form. Send it in to whoever caused the butthurt and this person will respond back to you in 6-8 weeks, maybe. There is a chance that you will realize while filling it in, that worrying about this, is a serious waste of your time. But if you send it in anyway the person who caused your butthurt will probably get a good laugh out of it all.



But in the end, if you still decide to be butthurt about mundane things, well, when you see my face, I hope it gives you hell. : )